Signs of the Times - Alternative news for Wed, 31 Jan 2007

Signs of the Times - Alternative news for Wed, 31 Jan 2007: "Propaganda

The operations described in the document include a surprising range of military activities: public affairs officers who brief journalists, psychological operations troops who try to manipulate the thoughts and beliefs of an enemy, computer network attack specialists who seek to destroy enemy networks.

All these are engaged in information operations.

Perhaps the most startling aspect of the roadmap is its acknowledgement that information put out as part of the military's psychological operations, or Psyops, is finding its way onto the computer and television screens of ordinary Americans.

'Information intended for foreign audiences, including public diplomacy and Psyops, is increasingly consumed by our domestic audience,' it reads.

'Psyops messages will often be replayed by the news media for much larger audiences, including the American public,' it goes on."

Foil Deflector Beanie

Have you ever thought of getting one of these? Lord knows I need one. I wonder if they come in colours? Maybe you can get them anodized. I wonder if you could make them active beanies with solar cells and the correct micro-electronics? Maybe you could mount lasers on them? How about a sagittal crest? Could be a business opportunity here: 'The Tinfoil Hat Emporium ®'.

Just thinkin' out loud here - scares me too.

Michael

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AMIGA AND LINUX USERS: It is advised that you get a copy of MindGuard for your personal anti-psychotronic needs. Although an AFDB is an effective guard against most forms of psychotronic mind control, it is no substitute for the comprehensive protection afforded by MindGuard.

Vive le Canada - Conservatives Announce Changes To 'Team Harper'

Conservatives Announce Changes To 'Team Harper'
Contributed by: Calumny
Conservative leader Stephen Harper stunned media representatives at a Tuesday morning press conference with his statement that he had renounced God and Jesus as, respectively, his Lord and Saviour and intended to form a pact with Satan.

Harper told media representatives that the decision had been ‘difficult’ because he, God and Jesus ‘were on pretty close terms for a long time’ adding ‘but, there is no room for sentiment in politics.'

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The Conservative leader justified his decision by indicating that ‘God just hasn’t been doing a whole heck of a lot for Team Harper lately. I mean, here we are losing an election to a government that makes a Columbian drug cartel look like choirboys and does anyone see God anywhere lending a helping hand?’

Harper indicated he started to consider the Team Harper shake-up shortly after aides informed him that Satan, rather than God, was the source of all earthly wealth and power. The Conservative leader used hockey metaphors to illustrate his points, indicating that to win a game ‘all team members have to show up willing to go the full sixty minutes. Lately neither God or Jesus has shown much interest in getting off the bench and putting a few in the net for Team Harper, so I decided it was time send them down to the minors and put Satan in at center for the power play’.

While agreeing that the move might 'light a fire' under the flagging Conservative campaign, the first reaction of most insiders was concern that the proposed pact could signal a shift in Conservative policy. However, by the end of the day most agreed the changes would have little impact on Team Harper direction.

A spokes-imp for Satan, Prince of Darkness, indicated that Harper’s proposal had come as a surprise and that the Lord of the Pit and his hellish court were hard at work analyzing potential impacts on the nine circles.

The imp noted that Harper’s decision ‘placed Satan in an awkward situation’, however, refused to further elaborate on the statement. It went on to tell reporters that Satan had expressed reservations about Harper, adding ‘there’s just something about the guy that makes him difficult to trust. It’s like there’s some sort of hidden agenda there, and Satan just isn’t sure what it is.

I'm not saying that a pact is out of the question...just that there's nothing on the table yet that would convince Satan to sell his soul to Harper.'

'Man on the street' interviews with several lesser demons revealed a concern that an association with Canadian politics might give Hell a bad name. Additionally, many expressed worry that Conservative policy might not mesh well with the subsidized medical plan enjoyed by Hell's minions.

A spokes-angel for Lord God the Almighty told reporters that God ‘had expressed a feeling of relief when informed of Harper’s decision’ and that ‘the Almighty is hopeful this may signal a trend for other political leaders who have in recent years unilaterally associated themselves with the Omnipotent Power in ways that caused all sorts of embarassment to the Heavenly Realm.’

‘It hasn’t been easy for God.’ the angel stated ‘There are just too many of these political yahoos using his name in vain to justify all sorts of bizarre and untoward acts’. The angel went on to indicate that the King of Heaven had hoped to ‘make an appearance on the Larry King show to set the record straight and distance himself from unwanted political associations’ however ‘ was bumped from the show so Larry could interview Judge Judy Sheindlin.’

The angel concluded by suggesting that 'after the next tsunami when people start demanding to know where God is, they should ask Larry King.'

Conservative party spokesperson Ima Dweeb later confirmed that in addition to the proposed Satanic pact, the Harper camp had entered into negotiations with group of sinister omnipotent beings known as ‘The Great Old Ones’ in a bid to revive the floundering Conservative campaign.

Ms. Dweeb explained that the Conservatives wanted to ‘avoid putting all our eggs in one basket’ and stated that ‘the Conservative party is interested in dialoguing with any omnipotent dark power that shares our belief in firm fiscal restraint and the undesirability of so called ‘gay marriage’.

‘Great Cthulhu’, spokes-god for ‘The Great Old Ones’ arose from his horror-shrouded city of R'lyeh deep beneath the Pacific waves to briefly meet with media representatives on Wednesday afternoon.

Cthulhu confirmed that Harper had approached the ‘The Great Old Ones’ with an offer for what he termed a 'win-win strategic alliance.'

The monstrous entity told reporters that the Conservative deal offered up of the populace of Quebec for consumption or eternal enslavement by the malignant incarnations of evil in return for ‘The Great Old Ones’ support of Conservative candidates in Ontario. Cthulhu indicated the offer 'was certainly tempting' but added that 'a firm agreement had not been reached.'

‘In all honesty’ Cthulhu told members of the media ‘slumbering for uncounted aeons in the watery depths of the Pacific or the blackness beyond the edges of the universe really has a mellowing affect. Sure, in my younger years, I was as hepped up as the next demonic being at the thought of exterminating humanity and casting a veil of eternal darkness over the world. These days though, I’m content to put in a day of golf with Loki, Baal and some other friends and spend a quiet evening at home.

Which reminds me, I borrowed the CSI 4th season DVD boxed set from my sister Shub-Niggurath, The Black Goat of the Woods with a Thousand Young, and have to return it tomorrow. I still have some episodes to watch, so I’ll just wish you all the season's best and say good-bye.’, upon which the gelatinous abomination waved a tentacle in a cheery farewell and vanished beneath the waves.

When asked about the impact of Harper’s satanic covenant on the election campaign, a Liberal Party representative dismissed the PC strategy suggesting, before disappearing in a puff of smoke, that ‘the Conservatives should thave noted the Liberal Party official colour before undertaking any deals with the Powers of Hell’.

Sources close to Jack Layton indicated the NDP party was also seeking a deity with whom the party could form a strategic alliance however, had yet to locate a god or goddess of wishy-washiness in any religious pantheon researched by party analysts.

Vive le Canada - PCs deny Ebay rumour

PCs deny Ebay rumour
Contributed by: Calumny
The Progessive Conservative party reacted forcefully today to squelch rumours that high ranking party officials have agreed to auction Canada on Ebay should the PCs be victorious in the forthcoming federal election.

At a press conference this morning, PC spokesperson Ewel Trusmeenot vigorously denied the authenticity of the ‘Operation Bargain Basement’ document leaked to the press earlier this week by a source identified as ‘NotALiberal’.

The purported PC plan outlines various scenarios in which Canada or its constituent parts could be sold on Ebay for what is described as a ‘considerable profit’.

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The basic premise of the ‘Operation Bargain Basement’ document is that technological progress and significant shifts in the global economy have markedly changed the world which existed at the time of the last PC federal government. These changes fundamentally alter the PC thought of that time, which culminated in the creation of the Mulroney ‘US is U.S.’ strategy. The ‘US is U.S.’ strategy proposed the gradual absorption of Canada into the U.S. by means of a surreptitious ‘going out of business’ sale of Canadian ‘assets’ to our southern neighbour at 'firesale' prices.

In an excerpt from the 'Operation Bargain Basement' document, the author claims:

‘The ‘US is U.S.’ plan of the Mulroney government made sense in a time when our southern neighbour was the only ‘show’ in town and a ‘World Wide Web’ was in its infancy. However, the emergence in recent years of Asian economic giants and corporate quasi nations like Walmart, accompanied by spectacular advances in Internet technology, now provide options that were unavailable when the ‘US is U.S.’ plan was developed.’

‘For example’ the document states ‘offering portions of western Canada on Ebay could create a bidding war between potential purchasers, such as the U.S., China, Japan, Russian organized crime and various Tong and Yakuza interests, and result in a substantially higher return than might previously have been the case under the ‘US is U.S.’ proposal.

Similarly, the large pool of unskilled labour in the Atlantic provinces and parts of Quebec make these areas ideal for companies such as Walmart and Nike. Acquisition of these areas would allow corporations to legitimize themselves as nations, e.g., ‘Waltonia’, ‘Nikeragua;, etc., while also providing a servile worker populace accustomed to third world living standards and rendered passive by years of dependence of government social programs. It is fair to anticipate that corporations would bid eagerly for rights to these areas and that the returns that result from this bidding war could again exceed those that could be expected under the ‘US is U.S.’ plan.’

PC spokesperson Trusmeenot began the press conference by dismissing the document as being even more absurd than recent allegations concerning the alleged control of Stephen Harper’s mental processes by Venusian lizard people seeking to utilize non-right-wing humans as a food source, indicating that ‘if Mr. Harper had any mental processes to control, we’d know about it.’

Trusmeenot then vigorously denied the existence of PC party plans to peddle Canada on ‘IBay’ subsequent to the party’s anticipated federal election victory.

When reminded by press members that the internet site in question was named ‘Ebay’, Trusmeenot responded, ‘yes, that’s what I said, no sale on Obay’.

When asked why he was apparently unable to deny reports of an ‘Ebay’ sale, Trusmeenot refused to comment further, claiming the press ‘had it in for the PCs’ and that ‘they’d see…’.

Responding to Trusmeenot’s denials, supporters of the document’s authenticity point to a number of strange items that have recently appeared on Ebay, claiming these as confirmation that the PCs are ‘putting out feelers’.

One such item is described by the seller, ‘TF’, as a ‘fixer-upper’ on a ‘scenic 1,542,056 Km² lot with water frontage’, which some claim sounds suspiciously like Quebec.

Another item offered by the same seller is described as a ‘developed rental property’ located on Lake Ontario, which requires ‘some updating’ but ‘shows a good rate of return from its 3 million tenants.’

In other election news, PM Martin continued to one-up the PCs in the ‘kiddie wars’ that have developed during the campaign.

Martin pledged 25.5 billion dollars to build daycare centers throughout Quebec that could create as many as ‘125 new daycare slots’ in that province. Martin went on to indicate that the new program would also support services directed towards stressed out parents, such as lounges in which parents could consume ‘popcorn and beer’ and watch ‘Habs games’ and adjacent golf courses on which parents could improve health and physical fitness by putting in a few rounds on the links.

PQ leader Gilles Duceppe, scoffed at the proposal stating ‘This is simply another feeble attempt by a corrupt Liberal government to deflect attention from the real issues. Quebecois will not be taken in by transparent attempts win their votes with red herrings stinking of Liberal treachery and deceit. All Quebecois know that once we have freed ourselves from the putrid, rotting corpse that is Canada, no one will have jobs….I mean… will have to work in the paradise we will create and therefore daycare will no longer be an issue.’

NDP leader Jack Layton was unavailable for comment. A NDP spokesperson said the leader was doing something ‘electiony’.

Leaders from the CAP, Green and other Canadian federal fringe parties had comments however, were unable to locate anyone interested in listening.

PM Martin also took time to respond to questions concerning the possibility of Mr. Harper being telepathically controled by an alien race.

'Well, I'm not sure what would make anyone think that Mr. Harper was controlled by malevolent alien forces' the PM stated with a grin and rolling eyes. 'If he is, well they can't be that bright. I mean, here's a guy running a campaign against the most corrupt government in Canadian history and he can't even win in the polls. What does that tell you'?
[If there ever was a need for a 'Humour' topic . . . Dr.C]

DER Bullshit Protector :: Dumbapple :: Go Nutting!

DER Bullshit Protector :: Dumbapple :: Go Nutting!

Life goes on for Bush - York Daily Record

Life goes on for Bush
MIKE ARGENTO
Sunday, August 21, 2005


"I think it’s also important for me to go on with my life.”

— President Bush, explaining why he had time to take a bike ride, nap and attend GOP fundraisers, but didn’t have time to meet with Cindy Sheehan, a California woman whose son was killed in Iraq.

* * *

Thanks to President Dubya, we — and by we, I mean, well, all of us married guys who struggle to come up with explanations for the things we do, or don’t do, when confronted by the incredibly patient women who, Lord knows why, put up with us lying on the couch watching Eagles pre-season games while eating an entire box of Cheez-Its — now have a new one.

Previously, we could try to depend on the phrase “faulty intelligence” to bail us out. The president’s people used it extensively to explain why we mistakenly invaded Iraq. They said the intelligence indicated that Saddam was a threat and had weapons of mass destruction and was in league with the terrorists who attacked us. When all of that turned out to be false, the president and his people said they weren’t lies, they were the result of “faulty intelligence.”

Of course, “faulty intelligence” soon became a pretty good excuse for whatever behavior it is that resulted in you sleeping on the couch again. Say you come stumbling in at 2 a.m. and the spouse demands an explanation. You always had, “Well, the boys said they were stopping for a couple of beers after work, and one thing led to another, and it turned out to be based on faulty intelligence.”

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Or you could use the phrase to explain your own flawed decision-making capabilities. “Yes, I knew we were saving that money for a new’fridge, but using Microsoft Excel, I assigned numerical values to all of the criteria and crunched the numbers and created a new paradigm and my calculations concluded that the money would best be spent on a 62-inch plasma-screen TV. Looking back, I guess my intelligence was faulty.”

Frankly, it wasn’t a very good excuse. Just because it worked, or kind of worked, for President Dubya doesn’t mean it worked for us.

But we’re guys; it’s all we had. We have that Y chromosome, the one scientists believe is a genetic junkyard. It’s genetic. I swear.

That never works, either.

And then, we had the excuse “it was just a matter of emphasis” as a means to explain away lies. The president’s people employed it when asked whether they were lying when they told us we had to attack Iraq before they did something, anything, I guess.

And, again, it wasn’t very useful. “Yes, I knew I said I wasn’t going to buy that new plasma-screen TV, but I wasn’t lying about it. It was a matter of emphasis.”

Try it sometime.

That is, if you want to spend the rest of your life sleeping in the garage.

So now, we have a new one.

“I think it’s also important for me to go on with my life.”

OK, at first blush, it seems like a pretty lame way to avoid having to do something unpleasant and explain why you’d rather, say, lie on the couch all day instead of, say, mowing the lawn.

But this stuff is gold.

Take it from me.

Say you promised to clean out the garage this weekend and instead, you want to spend the weekend watching poorly dubbed Japanese game shows on the Spike Network.

When the subject comes up, you can always say, “I think it’s also important for me go on with the rest of my life.”

And the spouse will say, “If you think you’re going to have a life worth going on with, you might think about getting your butt out to the garage.”

And you could say that you might want to play some golf instead of cleaning the garage.

And your spouse will remind you that, technically speaking, you’ve never played golf in your life.

And you could say, “Well, I can’t disagree with you. I’ll just have to stay here on the couch and watch re-runs of ‘Battlestar Galactica.’”

And then, she’d remind you that you were the one who put all that stuff in the garage in the first place, and you were the one who kept saying that the situation in the garage was improving, when it was merely getting worse, and you were the one who has to take responsibility for the garage being in its current state, and you’re just making a lame excuse to get out of doing something you don’t want to do because, honestly, you just don’t want to do it.

And you could just say, “I think it’s also important for me to go on with my life.”

Lucky for you, the couch is pretty comfortable.

Mike Argento, whose column appears Mondays and Thursdays in Living and Sundays in Viewpoints, can be reached at 771-2046 or at mike@ydr.com. Read more Argento columns at ydr.com/mike.

Mark Drolette: 'Spaced cowboy's space cowboys'

Just to be perfectly clear, author Mark Drolette does not wear a tinfoil hat.
Editor

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Mark Drolette: 'Spaced cowboy's space cowboys'
Contributed by mrbanjo on Thursday, June 02 @ 10:25:07 EDT
This article has been read 840 times. By Mark Drolette

As any politically-minded American should know (which really should mean every American but is about as likely a scenario as George W. Bush correctly speaking English, even by accident, although, I suppose, if you put him inside a room with 1000 monkeys and 1001 typewriters and then locked the doors, you'd have yourself some mighty pissed monkeys), it's never a bad idea to regularly revisit the document that enumerates the core principles by which the American government operates.

With that in mind, it's time once again to delve into the Project for the New American Century's (PNAC) September 2000 report "Rebuilding America's Defenses: Strategy, Forces and Resources For a New Century." For those interested in history (before it's rewritten), it used to be, prior to 2001 B.F. (before fascism), America's bedrock principles had been laid out in an old yellowed piece of parchment that contained lots of funny letters and even funnier ideas, with its authors actually asserting (apparently in all seriousness) that said document had been "ordain[ed] and establish[ed]" to "establish Justice, insure domestic Tranquility, provide for the common defense, promote the general Welfare, and secure the Blessings of Liberty to ourselves and our Posterity..."

Can you even imagine?



I don't recall its name, exactly, but it's not important anyway since we haven't used that ratty old thing for some time now and obviously have no plans of ever doing so again. I do think, though, that since "Rebuilding, etc." is now unmistakably el documento numero uno dictating American policy, it certainly could do with a spiffier moniker. Had I, like the Bushies, been using it as my blueprint to militarily take over the world, I'd likely have christened it "Ensuring Military Presence In Regions Everywhere," thereby providing it both title and acronym far more representative of the contents within.

Clumsy label or no, PNAC's RADSFARFANC (I'll do my darnedest to keep all those letters straight as we continue) recently came to mind yet again upon perusing a very brief article from Reuters on Yahoo. (Helpful hint #1 for budding political satirist/commentators: the shorter the item, the more important the topic.)

Headlined "Air Force seeks Bush nod for space weapons-NYT," it leads:

"The U.S. Air Force is seeking President Bush's approval of a national security directive that could move the United States closer to fielding offensive and defensive space weapons, the New York Times reported..."

Later, it reads: "With little public debate, the Pentagon has already spent billions of dollars developing space weapons and preparing plans to deploy them, the newspaper said."

That darn Pentagon -- what a wacky bunch! They've already spent billions of our money pursuing space weapons before getting Bush's permission? (Although 'tis possible, I suppose, that when the Department of Defense boys dropped by to get W's "X," he was out riding his trike, er, bike.)

The item finishes: "Air Force officials said the directive did not call for militarizing space. 'The focus of the process is not putting weapons in space,' said Maj. Karen Finn, an Air Force spokeswoman. 'The focus is having free access in space.'"

Hmm, let's see: the Pentagon is "developing space weapons" but "not [for] putting weapons in space."

I take it back. With logic like that, Bush had to have been involved.

The Reuters article-ette addresses what I've always considered to be RATFINK's -- sorry, RADSFARFANC's -- most entertaining aspect (in a terrifying, global subjugation sort of way), first mentioned on pages iv and v:

"In particular, the United States must...[c]ontrol the new 'international commons' of space and 'cyberspace,' and pave the way for the creation of a new military service -- U.S. Space Forces -- with the mission of space control."

Yes, fellow space cadets: U.S. Space Forces. Break out your Flash Gordon decoder rings and cast your orbs in wonderment to the peaceful heavens above while you still can before the term "shooting star" takes on a whole new meaning.

When I first read about the USSF in RATFART, I thought the deep thinkers at PNAC were trying to perhaps lighten the report's 90 pages of ponderous self-importance by inserting a welcome bit of levity.

Wrong-o! These guys are as serious as an unprovoked attack. Deep within RATFINKFART's overactive bowels, page 55 presents the following:

"For U.S. armed forces to continue to assert military preeminence, control of space -- defined by [existing U.S.] Space Command as 'the ability to assure access to space, freedom of operations within the space medium, and an ability to deny others the use of space' -- must be an essential element of our military strategy. If America cannot maintain that control, its ability to conduct global military operations will be severely complicated, far more costly, and potentially fatally compromised."

Good point, 'cause we certainly wouldn't want America's global domination effort to be fatally compromised.

Just fatal.

At first, I was a little disturbed, but then I underwent years of counseling and I'm better now. PNAC's dream world of weapons in space also bothered me until I realized that folks like Dick Cheney, Paul Wolfowitz, Donald Rumsfeld, Jeb Bush, Elliott Abrams (all PNAC members), and others are certainly only concerned about what's best for our beloved America. Otherwise, why else would they assert in PNAC's "Statement of Principles" that "we need to...challenge regimes hostile to our interests and values..."?

Yes, I know: A cynic might propose these "values" now include torture and these "interests" seem to be those solely of corporations like, say, Halliburton's subsidiary KBR, which at this moment is pulling in billions of taxpayer dollars for building thirteen or so permanent U.S. military bases in Iraq, but, hey, all you need to do if you want a piece of that action is, once you've ponied up the few extra thousand bucks lying around the house that have undoubtedly accrued during America's unrelenting economic boom thanks to Bush's U.S. Treasury raids, er, tax cuts, then go buy yourself some KBR stock and hop on board that PNAC-inspired gravy train.

In other words: Quit yer sighin' and start yer buyin'. In fact, anything less than full-scale consumerism during this, our time of perpetual war, 'ppears patently un-patriotic; just pray peace doesn't break out (a prospect over which one shouldn't lose much sleep).

With RATFATBASTARDS now serving as this nation's guiding signpost (up ahead), its big, American, ass-kickin' footprint can be or will soon be spotted everywhere in the world the United States treads, which is, uh, everywhere in the world. Here's a small iron fistful of examples:

# Those thirteen-plus bases in Iraq, the establishment of which was the real reason from the get-go for invading Iraq? Page 14 states:

"Indeed, the United States has for decades sought to play a more permanent role in [Persian] Gulf regional security. While the unresolved conflict with Iraq provides the immediate justification, the need for a substantial American force presence in the Gulf transcends the issue of the regime of Saddam Hussein."

Much has been made by the foreign press about how the July 2002 "Downing Street memo" is the "smoking gun" that proves the Bushies' fabricated justifications for attacking Iraq. As you can see, though, almost two years prior, PNAC had already plainly and publicly provided the (ir)rationale. (American corporate media on the memo? Yawn.)

# How 'bout them adorable "baby nukes" Dubya wants the U.S. to produce (ooh, just makes you want to go up and squeeze the life out of 'em, doesn't it, before they vaporize same out of you?)? On page 7 of PNAC's 2000 tome, the authors lament that the U.S. has "virtually ceased development of safer and more effective nuclear weapons...," because, as we all know, you just can't make those darn things too safe or effective, or cute, even.

On page 8, they continue by stating that:

"there may be a need to develop a new family of nuclear weapons designed to address new sets of military requirements, such as would be required in targeting the very deep underground, hardened bunkers that are being built by many of our potential adversaries."

You know, I don't want to be the nuclear naysayer around here, but, if our enemies are hanging out in deep underground bunkers with stacks of unopened crates of box cutters, then why not just let 'em the hell stay there? Because, if we know these hideouts exist, then we just as surely know their addresses, so why not just nab the bad guys when they emerge to pick up their mail (you know, before their eyes adjust to the sun), instead of spending Allah knows how much on saddling the world with even more nuclear bombs that we're always being told these scary characters want to get their hands on to blow us up with? Hel-lo!

# Let us, in whispered tones, discreetly discuss the swollen, engorged behemoth that is the annual budget of the Pentagon, the place where, of course, the bigger the gun, the deeper the fun (please, address all complaints of overusage of lame, obvious adjectives and cheap phallic imagery to Homeland Security; just don't be surprised if they're already on it -- so to speak).

Page v of PNAC's masterpiece proposes to "Increase defense spending gradually to a minimum level of 3.5 to 3.8 percent of gross domestic product, adding $15 billion to $20 billion to total defense spending annually."

But what's this? Dubya has out PNAC-ed PNAC! A reverse Bushwhack, if you will.

According to figures from the Congressional Budget Office, the annual increase since Bush's initial appointment for Department of Defense spending averages (approximately) $25.8 billion. This does not -- I repeat, does not -- take into account one penny of the trillion billion gazillion dollars or so (who knows anymore?) our apparently permanently drunken Congress has allotted for "operations" in Afghanistan and Iraq.

I know what some of you are saying ('cause I read all of my e-mail; hoo-boy!):

"There goes that America-hating, Marxist (for the last time, it's Mark) Drolette again, as he sarcastically compares those of us who stand firmly behind the administration to 'good Germans,' tears down our government, lambastes our wonderful, exalted, and glorious leader, Dick Cheney, er, George W. Bush, and paints us all as violence-worshipping, non-thinking, fascist-supporting meatheads. Heil, America!"

That is just flat out ridiculous. "Meatbrains," I would use, certainly, but never the way-overused "meatheads."

No, seriously, I know I'll sleep better at night knowing that, in addition to possessing the most unbelievably lethal stockpile of weapons of mass destruction humans have ever witnessed (as opposed to the ones in Iraq no one has yet seen), the U.S. military could today also very well be working on, for instance, space-based lasers so incredibly accurate they could vaporize me in a literally very hot second if I were, say, a terrorist or a suspected terrorist or had donated money to a legal organization that defended those accused of terrorism (that is, if such suspects were allowed trials and lawyers) or wrote about terrorism or Yahooed "terrorism" or looked it up in the dictionary or thought about it once ... well, I think you see where I'm going with this. And if that's the case, you're probably at this very moment in violation of several provisions of the Patriot Acts, how many ever there are now.

So there you have it: the nut's hell -- I'm sorry, nutshell -- version of PNAC's 90-page game plan for a globally "preeminent" United States, our neo-Constitution, if you will, and its latest bit of manifested insanity: weapons in space.

Take that, Founding Fathers.

Copyright (c) 2005 Mark Drolette. All rights reserved.

Mark Drolette is a political satirist/commentator who lives in Sacramento, California. He can be reached at mdrolette@comcast.net.



Bloggers and radio hosts: Don't be shy -- tell your readers/audience you saw it on Smirking Chimp

Dr. W. David Hager is BuzzFlash.com's GOP Hypocrite of the Week

So Many Republican Hypocrites, So Little Time

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May 27, 2005 |
Dr. W. David Hager

Click the > to play. Right-click (PC) or CTRL-click (Mac) HERE to download (2:02 min., 981 KB 64 bit MP3).

Welcome back to the BuzzFlash.com GOP Hypocrite of the Week.

As we mentioned a few honorees ago, BuzzFlash just can't keep up with the revelations of Republican sexual perversity. It's kind of brazenly breathtaking to see so many phonies indulge in such public affirmations of Puritanism and such private acts of hedonism.

Take for instance the case of one Dr. W. David Hager, as recently revealed in an article in The Nation. A controversial Bush appointee to an FDA advisory board, Hager is known for "his ardent evangelical piety [that] anchors his staunch opposition to emergency contraception, abortion and premarital sex." In fact, as The Nation reports, Hager was instrumental in getting the FDA not to allow over-the-counter sales of emergency contraception pills.

A fundamentalist Christian, Hager has painted himself as a victim of secular Americans who are conducting a war against the followers of Christ.

But The Nation alleged that the "devout" Hager had committed adultery when he was married and regularly sodomized his former wife against her will.

"He would say, 'Oh, I didn't mean to have anal sex with you; I can't feel the difference,'" Hager's former wife recalled incredulously to The Nation. "And I would say, 'Well then, you're in the wrong business.'"

You see, Dr. Hager is a gynecologist.

As for Hager, he responded to the accusations by announcing that he was leaving the FDA advisory committee in June and that his former wife was just bitter.

Well wouldn't you be if your husband was a philandering back door Johnny who left you checks after sodomizing you?

Until next week, remember our motto at BuzzFlash.com: So many Republican hypocrites, so little time.

Catch up with you soon.

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